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I never imagined by age 31 that I would be where I am today. It never even crossed my mind that I would be able to recite forty plus cliche statements from memory that refer to death without ever actually saying the word death, die, or any close variation. It's like if we don't refer to it that way, then it never happened and one day we will wake up and this is all just a bad dream.  


Many of you have been reading these blogs from day one and BelieVe that you have a picture of who I really am. So I felt it was time to just take one update and explain myself so that you will understand as you continue to read the updates (if you do in fact decide to continue reading).

So here goes... Born into a family as an only child, but with many other foster children from broken homes and foreign countries living with us, there has never been any real stability when it comes to scenery. My parents are both educators that have diligently served their community educating and caring for children of many diverse backgrounds. As for my remaining family, all of my grandparents live near the Louisiana/Arkansas line, with the exception of my much granddaddy Alvin Powell.  He is hanging out with Ethan.  And my cousins are for the most part spread out all over the country.  For most of my life, I have been very outgoing and loves to make new friends.  One of my many flaws has been that I have never really let anyone too close, including my family.  I have my own reasons for that, but those will remain private.  

So back to the story... During a period of about 6 years (prior to 2001), I was caught up in a lifestyle that was not appropriate for a Christian. I never BeLIeVed 100% in God, I was more afraid that there was and that I would end up in hell. One June 22nd, 2001 my life was changed by a moment of what seemed to be divine intervention. I battled with God and lost. I could not give up my habits, but began to pray for help and God won the battle. I began to BeLIeVe in the power of His healing touch as I had seen it operate in my life personally. For once, I felt that I really didn't need anyone to approve or agree with me as long as God had my back. After struggling to reconcile relationships with friends and such, I began to distance myself from anyone that stressed me out. I learned to maneuver my lifestyle in a way that I could avoid anything that caused me any sadness. Frankly I was tired of dealing with people.  And for someone that wanted to do Public Relations all through college, that is a real deal breaker.

But let's skip ahead... On December 5th, 2006 it was truly the happiest day of my life. I witnessed the perfection of a child entering this earth. But not just any child... Ethan.  Moments later I pulled out the camcorder and followed him as they took him from room to room to do whatever it is they do. All along I just thought, do not leave his side until he is marked with that little tag and I know that he is secure. From that point, until he is old enough, never a day will go by that he will be out of our sight. He will be safe. I remember talking to the camcorder through tears as I followed him around, telling him that truly there had never been a brighter moment in my life. The first time that I held him, I was so scared. I didn't want to hold him the wrong way or expose his tiny body to the chilly room, but I oh so badly wanted to look and see his eyes, ears, nose and all of the characteristics that defined his appearance.

Like a flash of lightning, suddenly everything changed.

It was February 6th, 2007 and I was at work. Becky was on her way to the doctors office for the routine 8 week check-up for Ethan. And I was right behind her on my way from the office. It was just like any other day. We were both tired and had not yet become used to the sleepless nights from a baby crying. Hours later, we would be told that Ethan might not make it through the next 72 hours and possibly even the next 24 hours. In a matter of seconds and a few words, we never that our lives would be changed forever.

We replaced our nice new cushy couch and bed with stiff hospital recliners and couches. Now I don't say this for pity, I just want to paint the picture. In addition, Ethan's website that had no more than 200-250 visitors when it opened to display his baby pictures was now up into the thousands. People from all over the country poured into the hospital just to encourage us. (At that point we did not understand that meeting visitors was not a good idea because of the chances of infection.) Given the amount of visitors that we had during the first couple weeks, I am sure that I will never remember all of the names or faces of everyone that was so generous. The outpouring of love was amazing and very well appreciated.  For me, I don't BeLIeVe that I have ever seen God's hand be so firmly extended through the hands of others as I did at that point. He sent out his workers to tend to the field, and there we were just getting love and prayers from every kind stranger with a vehicle, a love for children, and an internet connection. It was an amazing feeling. It felt as if God was there all the time. People would come in and say, I came here to cheer you guys up but you cheered me up. But the thing is, it was easy. God brought comfort through all of you to us.

Somehow in all of this, many have got this process confused and have seen us as the pillar of strength rather than God. In spite of warnings in the updates, the bar was set high. We were suddenly granted the privilege (and burden) to be role models for children and teachers to the lost. And that of course has been to a whopping 5 million people that have become a part of our daily lives. And with every high and low you were there watching and waiting for just one more update, so that you would know what to pray for.

Suddenly our MySpace pages and Facebook pages no longer became a place for us to share with ten or twenty of our closest friends, but a place to share more about Ethan with the world. He was and always will mean so much to us both. But you already know that... so I will keep going.

With all this, I want to tie it all together by saying this and I say it with dedication because I know it to be true. When God delivered me the first time from my life of failure on July 22nd, 2001, he knew exactly what to do but it never was easy for me. But I feel in my heart that it was the only way that it would have worked.  Although the pain then pailed in comparison to this, I was completely lost and hopeless and in need of God. I find myself at a point now where I am wondering "what next?" I am tired of waking up every morning and remembering that Ethan is in fact gone from this earth. I try to think of all the things that people say like "he is in Heaven" but honestly it doesn't make the tears stop. Just thinking back, I can't remember one occasion that I could stop and say, "thank you for God taking him away from me."  Let me give you an exercise just to show you what I mean and don't take this wrong, just try it so that you see what I mean.  Say "God, please take me child from this earth to be with you in Heaven."  For some of you that may be possible, but for me it is not.

So you might ask, "How do you still BeLIeVe in God?" Now I know that I have addressed it before, but I think that it needs to be said. I do in fact still BeLIeVe. But to be quote blunt, I am extremely angry at God and I am hurting. I can no longer put up the facade of "I am doing just fine." Some days are in fact better that others, but I am just running on empty. There will be many days that I will start working on something cool for Ethan's site and a few minutes later sit here in this chair wiping my eyes and begging God for answers. I try to redirect that anger to cancer but it only lasts so long. When trying to pray it feels like a handshake between two distant strangers. And how is is that the one thing that used to keep me so connected with God has suddenly become my biggest weakness.  My best guess is... no one wins a battle with God and I am getting in the way. Of course he could move me out of the way, but I just don't BeLIeVe that He works that way.

So let's recap... I am human and BeLIeVe but struggling with anger with God. Now slide in the fact that there are so many people that love and want to help but don't really know what to say. Either way, the phone rings and I never answer. Just ask anyone that tries to call. Nothing personal, I just don't feel like talking to anyone. Tonight I sat down to read this book on dealing with the loss of a child and it was as if every page was pulled out of my heart. The lady that writes it explains in great detail and very directly much of what happens to parents, grandparents, and siblings with the loss of a child. And it couldn't be anymore true.

For any ministry leader out there, interested reader, or support group that is looking for a small but good book to help them become more aware of how to communicate with the parents of someone that has lost a child; this is a great book to read and can be found on amazon.com for 1 cent (one penny) used plus shipping. It is called The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff.

Sorry about that quick interruption, my attention deficit kicked in.  I am all over the place tonight, but I really wanted to share the name of that book and here is why.

This afternoon I fell asleep around 3pm with some sort of virus.  I was thinking about Ethan and all of the cute things that he did.  It was nothing depressing, just happy thoughts.  I woke up (if you get grossed out easily, you might not want to read this part) then vomited then fell back asleep. And everything was going so well for a few hours during the day.  But just like that I was emotionally and physically drained.  Around 10pm, I woke up to a ton of new text messages and voice mails.  A couple were important, but nothing needing immediate attention.  But the thing that I have found is that if I text/talk to 30 people in a day (on a slow day), I spend at least 2 to 3 waking hours on the cell phone rather than getting things done.  And on top of this, at least one of those people has problems that they are wanting to share with me.  I think that is mostly because I hide that I am hurting so people assume that I am over it, so many feel that it is ok to move ahead and just talk to me about their daily problems of life.  And don't get me wrong, we all go through things and just because someone hasn't lost a child, it doesn't meant that their pain is not real.

But what I am getting at is this.  There are so many people that we come in contact with on a daily basis are already at a point of cracking whether it be for financial reasons, marital issues, or many other things.  But many people like me, want to appear that they have everything in order.  For me personally, I am extremely sensitive right now and find it difficult to hold routine conversations about Ethan or other things that to most reasonable people would be considered rude to ask such as "Are you suicidal?"  I know that it is done of out love, but to me it is like when you tell a child not to do something, it suddenly becomes something that sticks in their head.  But to go ahead and answer the question, "No, I am not suicidal."  Have I wished at times that I was already dead and wandered if it would be easier... with reluctance I answer... "Yes."  But please note the difference.  The fact is, I need God more than anything right now and generally it is just me getting in the way.  

Even with my good intentions, imagine having a few hundred people trying to answer questions for you about the loss of a child that only God can answer. Or tell me how to deal with things the right way. The more answers that people provide, the more that I get confused. The picture of strength that some of you may see, go ahead and erase that and replace it with the picture of a man that is broken, confused, and waiting on peace.

I do plan to continue this fight with all that I have, and to do that I may just have to flat out stop answering my personal phone calls, texts, and emails altogether.  I plan on devoting much of my time to Ethan's website, Ethan's Foundation, and my website design business.  

There is one commitment that I feel is realistic.  If I can in fact get away from the phone, I will get the old Ethan updates up as well as a few more of the older photos in high quality up and available for download, and some cool new polls.  And the updates will become more frequent and detailed.

I close today's update by saying this. Since prayer has become such a challenge, I am going to make my request simple and mean every word every time I say it. Somewhere in there, I am hoping that this will re-spark my prayer life yet again.  So here goes...

"God.  Although I will never be worthy of your blessings, I ask you to be my strength as I am often weak and help me to overcome any fear or doubt.  I pray that where some may see a wall, you will uncover an open door!  Please help this pain to be be replaced with peace.  In the name of the only one that saves.  Amen"

BeLIeVe... PRAYER WORKS!!!

I am taking a slightly different direction in the update today, to say thank you to all the men and women that so bravely serve our country each and every day. Many mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and love ones have lost a beloved family members that was fighting for our freedom. As with each day, I learn more and more how to appreciate life. And for each and every one that has lost someone in any sort of battle, our hearts go out to you. We pray for your peace and thank you for allowing us to share your brave soldier with us. BeLIeVe!

Ok. I know this may sound a little weird, and you may think that I fell and bumped my head when you read the title of this update, but just know that I have not. Its just that recently I have been doing the whole Lean Cuisine meals and jog to get ready for the marathon in December. And no kidding, I was doing much better last year than this year.

Here is the problem... last year I completed the 1/2 marathon and just about passed out. In spite of that, this year I am shooting for the full marathon. Let me remind you, that I never ran more than a couple miles at a time before training last year.

Wwe have a team for the marathon again this year, "Team Ethan". And we hope to dominate this year just like last. And I am hoping that you will join us in the journey. In the coming weeks, I will post information and a link to the Team Ethan website.

So back to the steak comment. To be part of Team Ethan, you don't have to put down the fork and knife and go on a diet. But I think that once you start training you will see how much easier it is to get motivated to eat better. I can tell you this, I don't plan on giving up steak or burgers anytime, but I definitely don't eat them as much.

You might ask... why even run this marathon? We all grieve and mourn in different ways. From what I understand, this years marathon is on Ethan's birthday and rather than sitting around and crying, I feel that fire can help fuel the fight against childhood cancer. There are so many children out there still fighting this battle and I am sure their families would be grateful for our help. Team Ethan alone raised around 26,000 dollars last year and there were only about 20 of us. We can double that number and even triple it easily. More to come. You can make a difference, join the team... BeLIeVe!!!

I know that I have said this many times before, but it seems that no two days are the same emotionally.

I was having a hard time sleeping last night and couldn't stop staring at pictures of Ethan.  Today I felt lost and again looking for answers that I know would not come.  So I got out and put down the project I was working on and took a mental break.  I just kept thinking... "God how are you going to answer these questions?  How can I get answers when I don't even know what I am looking for?"

So this thought stayed in my head all day as I kept myself busy.  As the day progressed, I had finally had too much so I just said to myself "self, you need to stop thinking so much."  A few minutes later, I was buying something to eat and when I reached for money, my picture of Ethan fell out.  The lady said, "he is a beautiful little boy, how old is he?"  I almost broke down when I realized that I could not longer say "he is 16 months", but I proceeded to tell her the story of Ethan and his battle.  For the first time in a long while, I was in fact able to make it through the story.  And much to my surprise, the lady said absolutely nothing and it was actually quite comforting in a strange way.  It was as if she knew it was best just to listen.  A minute or two passed, and we completed the transaction and she stopped me as I was walking away and said "I question whether or not to say this, but I just felt that I should... it will get easier with time and the memories will keep you going.  Well at least for me that has been true."  She went on to say that she lost her 9 year old daughter in 1999.  Of course she shared a couple more quick thoughts, but got right to the point.  And everything that she said seemed as if it came straight from God's lips.

In retrospect, I think back to my question to God a few hours ago and I don't know why it shocks me, but he did in fact answer and quickly.  I am begging God for more of these moments, it is the most comfort that I have felt in awhile.  No matter what, I thank him for that moment today and hope that it will be yet another move in the right direction.

With that said, I would like to conclude today's update with a thought from a quote that I really like...

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey."  
~Kenji Miyazawa

As I struggle to get to the days of peace and reflecting on memories without tears, I truly BeLIeVe that pain will in fact fuel this journey and we will beat this deadly disease.  Please continue to BeLIeVe with me!

It seems that for me there is some sort of pattern to mourning.  Although every day is hard, it really seems like there are two or three really hard days a week that come back to back.  This week I asked myself a lot of new questions about God and how He works.  I want to make one thing clear... I still BeLIeVe!!!  I just don't always understand and it is very difficult for me to swallow.  I am pleased to share that using the advice from my counselor, I have been making progress in my prayer life.  I firmly BeLIeve that God has granted so much wisdom to some special people that really truly know what to say and how to listen.  I am fortunate to have one of these as a counselor.  With all of that said, every week I feel like I am starting over with a fresh understanding of life.  Some things feel better and some remain the same.  I am just glad to be able to get up another day and know that soon we will continue the  huge battle against childhood cancer for Ethan and his friends.


FYI:  There is free bone marrow testing now through May 19th through the "Thanks Mom! Program."  You can find more information at http://www.marrow.org. There are still so many people in need of a bone marrow donor.  I can tell you from experience that it is definitely worth the sacrifice.  Regardless of the outcome of Ethan's life, he was able to spend much more time with us after the bone marrow transplant.  And once you have been through the initial fear and the actual process, you really do feel good about being able to provide for someone that would otherwise be out.  You are truly giving someone a second chance at life.  If you haven't been tested already, please consider it... you could be the one to make a difference.


Just to repeat myself, I have not given up on God or this fight.  From time to time I have to take a break from the site for a day or two to just collect my thoughts.  When I type these updates, I do not prepare them... I just shoot from the cuff because I want to be open about my feelings.  So just to save you the phone call. I am still angry and ready to fight this disease.  Yes, I do have questions for God, and I am not ashamed anymore of that.  But I am learning in fact that although some questions may never be answered, however God will eventually provide a way to cope.  Please join me in this spiritual journey and also in this fight against childhood cancer.  We will defeat it eventually together because we BeLIeVe!!!

It seems like everyday just gets a little busier.   With each new day, comes new contacts and new information that needs to be dispersed throughout the website.  At this point, I am just extremely overwhelmed but grateful for everyone that is volunteering their time to help make this a success.  I am going to keep names out of updates for the most part, but I have to say a special thank you to one of the board members who has been dedicating much of her time back in Shreveport to get all of the official paperwork going.


As for now, I continue to hear the stories of so many children fighting cancer at St. Jude.  Just in the last few weeks we have lost yet more children to this disease.  I hope that within the next 3-5 years that the contributions from this foundation as well as many others will make such a whopping difference that these numbers will be drastically decreased and no longer be something that we even have to discuss. 

My parents used to tell me when I was young, you will experience pure love when you have your own child.  I now understand what that means.  We will press forward and we will fight this disease.  

As for the site, I am continuing to work on improvements.  To address some of the recent questions from people close to me, I thought that I should explain the process of downloading pictures.  Everyone seems to be asking "How do I download pictures?"  So in short, here is an explanation.  First, click on the photos link on the left side of this page.  Then select the picture you would like to download by "double clicking" on it.  Once the picture appears by itself, then click on the bottom left icon.  If you hold your mouse over it, it will say download.  The file will be downloaded as a "zip file" so that it will be smaller in file size.  If you do not have a program to open this, you can get to the free demo download page by going to this webpage http://www.winzip.com and clicking on the downloads option at the top of the page.  Clear as mud?  :)  Hopefully much clearer.

Ok well... that is all for today.  Please take the time to tour the site, I think that you will enjoy some of the added functionality.  And remember we will continue to FIGHT CANCER and BeLIeVe!!!

Not a whole lot to share from here.  Just been working on some new stuff for the website, doing a lot of work, and squeezing in a little time to practice for a golf tournament that I am playing in on Wednesday.  Let me start by saying that I am a terrible golfer... but I love it, so it should be pretty entertaining.  


To all you mommy's out there... Happy mother's day!  I know I don't have to say it, but I will anyway... enjoy every minute with your children today.  You deserve nothing less!  

Well... this is kind of a short update today.  I have enjoyed having the last couple days to myself.  I am feeling a bit more like me.  Of course Ethan is not far from my mind and I have still been sad, but I do feel a whole lot better than the other night.

Thankfully you guys are all still around and willing to fight this fight together... I am so happy to have you sticking this out for Ethan's friends.  Please continue to BeLIeVe!!  :)

The last few minutes have been almost impossible. It is now 37 minutes after midnight and I can't remember the last minute I had a dry eye. I have been thinking about how much I miss Ethan. Kissing his forehead and watching him reach for my water bottle when there were plenty of good toys within reach. Or when he would knock a toy onto the dirty floor just to watch me or his mommy clean it up, only to repeat the process every few minutes.

And suddenly for the first time it really hit me. I am not sure if you even recognize people in heaven.  And I understand that God's grace is sufficient to cover anything that he chooses, but will he be willing to cover my anger. I could very likely never see my precious little boy again and it is really tearing me up inside.

Earlier in the week, my counselor gave me some great advice and it seems to be helping... "read the Psalms and maybe even try praying them." I must admit, that I have hardly been able to crack my bible and much less pray these last few weeks with any real passion. I always say that I am mad at cancer and that is entirely true. But a major part of me doesn't understand how God works, and for that I have been directing some of my frustration at him. The fact is, I still BeLIeVe is God and prayer without a doubt! I am just angry and not sure how to deal with it. It is almost like the last few weeks, I have been missing the biggest part of me. For the first time, I feel that part of me coming back... the part where God takes over.

I can't say that my heart is healed and that I can completely feel God's hand of comfort right now as I type this. But this does give me some sense of relief that the healing process could begin soon. To be quiet blunt, my counselor was so right, Psalms 88 really spoke what I have been feeling in the last 5 words.


Now for some comic relief, my dog just tooted and it smells horrible. And she had the nerve to look up at me as if I was the guilty party.

Back to the serious stuff... I know it must be hard to understand. There are so many wonderful people that I love that call to check on me, and I don't answer because frankly I can't take talking about it or anything else stressful literally all day. Please know that I am not ignoring you to be rude, but I am needing some space. I appreciate the text messages and calls but please don't expect a response.  So with that, know this... I am no longer going to put on the smiley face to everyone that I see or talk to. Unintentionally, I have put up a shield to make people that I am ok, just so that I don't get pity hugs and consolation phone calls all day. If you want to help, then do so by encouraging me in this fight against cancer. You can text positive words of encouragement.  I know Ethan is in a better place, I don't need to hear that from anyone else, because frankly I still want him here.  


So In the meantime, I am going to continue to hide in the safety of this hole and do almost daily updates so that you won't worry. But more importantly, I am going to mourn and ask God for help. As I start to feel better, the updates will take a more positive approach and we will be ready for war. And I will ask you again to suit up and fight this TERRIBLE disease for Ethan and his friends!

If you want to fight, I will be ready. But for at least a few days I need to ignore the world and mourn with some peace and quiet. Thank you for your continued prayers and please continue to BeLIeVe in God, He is all that we truly have in this world.


I realize that many of you are worried about how one would cope with the loss of a child. My answer is a lot of tears and a ton of counseling. That seems to be what I feel will help. Speaking for myself, the loss off Ethan has really messed with my head. But I am hoping that somewhere down the road, I will find some hidden strengths that came from this. Something that will help me sleep at night. I can't imagine a period of fifteen minutes or more going by without thinking of him, even while sleeping. But just to be sure, I decided to do something a little special that would normally fall outside of my comfort zone.

Although I have never had any desire to get a tattoo, two weeks ago I took the plunge and will forever have two markings to keep him close to my heart. I have a little "e" on my wrist, so that I can always see it and a private one for ethan on my shoulder. I may share the specifics on that someday... who knows?

At this point in the process, I am hoping that you are finally able to see us as human. It is hard to read a blog and really get a true idea of who that person is. We just type what we are thinking at the time and let it come out as it may. But we are in fact, people that struggle through life just like you.

Furthermore... this is a process that will take a long time to recover from, but I BeLIeVe that in the end there will be at least two positive things that come from it. I feel that this experience has improved the prayer lives of some and for others it has ignited a fire to help fight childhood cancer. I hope that you are in this fight with me, because I am ticked off at Cancer and ready for the fight. In the coming days to weeks, this site will take on a new life with many new features and ways to interact. I plead with you to stick it out and fight, if for no other reason than the list located on the left... Ethan's friends. GET PUMPED UP and BeLIeVe!!!

So here we are... exactly one month since Ethan left this earth.  Today he would have turned 17 months.  Wow!  This just doesn't seem real.  I always thought of cancer as something that happens to people later in life.  Little did I know that cancer truly has no prejudice of age.  And that my friends, is why we will continue to fight.  In the last few months, we have witnessed so many children see their final days in a hospital bed.  And I truly BeLIeVe that with your help, we can change that.
I want to get you pumped up and that is hard with just some lame spontaneous words, even if they are from the heart.  So I am going to do my best to keep the site flowing with cool, fresh content and almost always daily.   Now for the specifics.  Most of the content from the old site is still available.  Some things such as the "donations" page and a couple others have been removed.  If you would like to give money, the foundation will be up and running soon and you can donate to fighting cancer.
I will continue to add things over the coming days.  However a couple of my favorite features are the "new photo gallery" and the "poll".  

Daily I get calls from friends and family asking for photos for different reasons.  Now you can view photos in high quality and then download the original file for yourself.  As for the remainder of the old site photos, those will be available to download shortly, we have decided to keep some private for us and family.  But we wanted to share some of our favorites with you.  And I will re-add the old photos in "high quality" as well.  As for the videos, we now link directly to the video pages on Xanga and YouTube.  This saves bandwidth and should enable the videos to run faster since the traffic is now separated.  Now for the biggie.  If you have ever used the chat room you know that it previously maxed out around 160 people.  We can now comfortably support 250+.

I am telling you... we have made a few slight improvements but there is so much more to come.  And the best part is that every service now runs efficiently and faster.  

Ok well... that is all for now!  I am going to get back to work on the site.  Enjoy! And as always BeLIeVe!!

p.s.  Starting this weekend, I will be adding the old updates, starting with the first one.  And the cool thing is that they will now be searchable.

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