.

The last few minutes have been almost impossible. It is now 37 minutes after midnight and I can't remember the last minute I had a dry eye. I have been thinking about how much I miss Ethan. Kissing his forehead and watching him reach for my water bottle when there were plenty of good toys within reach. Or when he would knock a toy onto the dirty floor just to watch me or his mommy clean it up, only to repeat the process every few minutes.

And suddenly for the first time it really hit me. I am not sure if you even recognize people in heaven.  And I understand that God's grace is sufficient to cover anything that he chooses, but will he be willing to cover my anger. I could very likely never see my precious little boy again and it is really tearing me up inside.

Earlier in the week, my counselor gave me some great advice and it seems to be helping... "read the Psalms and maybe even try praying them." I must admit, that I have hardly been able to crack my bible and much less pray these last few weeks with any real passion. I always say that I am mad at cancer and that is entirely true. But a major part of me doesn't understand how God works, and for that I have been directing some of my frustration at him. The fact is, I still BeLIeVe is God and prayer without a doubt! I am just angry and not sure how to deal with it. It is almost like the last few weeks, I have been missing the biggest part of me. For the first time, I feel that part of me coming back... the part where God takes over.

I can't say that my heart is healed and that I can completely feel God's hand of comfort right now as I type this. But this does give me some sense of relief that the healing process could begin soon. To be quiet blunt, my counselor was so right, Psalms 88 really spoke what I have been feeling in the last 5 words.


Now for some comic relief, my dog just tooted and it smells horrible. And she had the nerve to look up at me as if I was the guilty party.

Back to the serious stuff... I know it must be hard to understand. There are so many wonderful people that I love that call to check on me, and I don't answer because frankly I can't take talking about it or anything else stressful literally all day. Please know that I am not ignoring you to be rude, but I am needing some space. I appreciate the text messages and calls but please don't expect a response.  So with that, know this... I am no longer going to put on the smiley face to everyone that I see or talk to. Unintentionally, I have put up a shield to make people that I am ok, just so that I don't get pity hugs and consolation phone calls all day. If you want to help, then do so by encouraging me in this fight against cancer. You can text positive words of encouragement.  I know Ethan is in a better place, I don't need to hear that from anyone else, because frankly I still want him here.