.

I know that I have said this many times before, but it seems that no two days are the same emotionally.

I was having a hard time sleeping last night and couldn't stop staring at pictures of Ethan.  Today I felt lost and again looking for answers that I know would not come.  So I got out and put down the project I was working on and took a mental break.  I just kept thinking... "God how are you going to answer these questions?  How can I get answers when I don't even know what I am looking for?"

So this thought stayed in my head all day as I kept myself busy.  As the day progressed, I had finally had too much so I just said to myself "self, you need to stop thinking so much."  A few minutes later, I was buying something to eat and when I reached for money, my picture of Ethan fell out.  The lady said, "he is a beautiful little boy, how old is he?"  I almost broke down when I realized that I could not longer say "he is 16 months", but I proceeded to tell her the story of Ethan and his battle.  For the first time in a long while, I was in fact able to make it through the story.  And much to my surprise, the lady said absolutely nothing and it was actually quite comforting in a strange way.  It was as if she knew it was best just to listen.  A minute or two passed, and we completed the transaction and she stopped me as I was walking away and said "I question whether or not to say this, but I just felt that I should... it will get easier with time and the memories will keep you going.  Well at least for me that has been true."  She went on to say that she lost her 9 year old daughter in 1999.  Of course she shared a couple more quick thoughts, but got right to the point.  And everything that she said seemed as if it came straight from God's lips.

In retrospect, I think back to my question to God a few hours ago and I don't know why it shocks me, but he did in fact answer and quickly.  I am begging God for more of these moments, it is the most comfort that I have felt in awhile.  No matter what, I thank him for that moment today and hope that it will be yet another move in the right direction.

With that said, I would like to conclude today's update with a thought from a quote that I really like...

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey."  

~Kenji Miyazawa

As I struggle to get to the days of peace and reflecting on memories without tears, I truly BeLIeVe that pain will in fact fuel this journey and we will beat this deadly disease.  Please continue to BeLIeVe with me!