It seems that for me there is some sort of pattern to mourning. Although every day is hard, it really seems like there are two or three really hard days a week that come back to back. This week I asked myself a lot of new questions about God and how He works. I want to make one thing clear... I still BeLIeVe!!! I just don't always understand and it is very difficult for me to swallow. I am pleased to share that using the advice from my counselor, I have been making progress in my prayer life. I firmly BeLIeve that God has granted so much wisdom to some special people that really truly know what to say and how to listen. I am fortunate to have one of these as a counselor. With all of that said, every week I feel like I am starting over with a fresh understanding of life. Some things feel better and some remain the same. I am just glad to be able to get up another day and know that soon we will continue the huge battle against childhood cancer for Ethan and his friends.
FYI: There is free bone marrow testing now through May 19th through the "Thanks Mom! Program." You can find more information at http://www.marrow.org. There are still so many people in need of a bone marrow donor. I can tell you from experience that it is definitely worth the sacrifice. Regardless of the outcome of Ethan's life, he was able to spend much more time with us after the bone marrow transplant. And once you have been through the initial fear and the actual process, you really do feel good about being able to provide for someone that would otherwise be out. You are truly giving someone a second chance at life. If you haven't been tested already, please consider it... you could be the one to make a difference.
Just to repeat myself, I have not given up on God or this fight. From time to time I have to take a break from the site for a day or two to just collect my thoughts. When I type these updates, I do not prepare them... I just shoot from the cuff because I want to be open about my feelings. So just to save you the phone call. I am still angry and ready to fight this disease. Yes, I do have questions for God, and I am not ashamed anymore of that. But I am learning in fact that although some questions may never be answered, however God will eventually provide a way to cope. Please join me in this spiritual journey and also in this fight against childhood cancer. We will defeat it eventually together because we BeLIeVe!!!