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And just when you thought....  

And just when you thought that I had disappeared forever, I am back.  By now you are probably wondering if there will ever be daily updates again.  Answer... I am wondering the same thing.I really would love to, but to be quite blunt... I really don't want to logon and type about the pain everyday because frankly I am not sure that would be very helpful to all of you guys that actually still read the updates.


So for this update, here is what I am going to do.  I am just going to lay it out there yet again.  Yes... I still BeLIeVe in God.  I doubt my disappointment will ever fade, but my anger for the time being with the whole situation has begun to subside for the time being.  This truly is a daily battle.  And most days a minute to minute battle.  For instance, I will walk in to Children's Place (no advertisement intended), and start looking at cute clothes for him and it suddenly hits me, my baby is dead... why am I looking at kids' clothes?  Just like that.  And every time it stings.  Now before you get all worked up and say, "Why did he have to say that so harshly?".  Just realize that is the raw truth and saying it a nicer way doesn't make him any less dead, it just makes it easier to lie to myself.  The fact is, Becky nor I will every lay our hands on him again.  All that are left are some ashes and memories.

As for me personally, I have learned that the old methods of just ignoring what hurts will not work anymore.  From a heart standpoint, I am probably the weakest that I have ever been, but I am starting to feel God work his way back into me.  It may only be one partial 30 minutes followed by a rough couple hours, but the fact it... thats a step in the right direction.  It is amazing how I can try to push Him out by burying my head in the pillow and sleeping until I am worthless, but when I wake up he is still there.

So with that said... I am physically still here and God in any sense has never left.  I pray that pattern will continue.  On the bright side, my prayer life is starting to improve.  For the first time since April the 5th, I BeLIeVe that I have prayed almost everyday this week.  (After I typed that, I realized just how odd that was.)  The same guy that prayed at work before starting his day, and yes of course every meal, and almost every night before I went to sleep, and even when things would start to fall apart.  It was always the solution to everything big or small and many many times just a way to say thank you.  Life was so much easier then. Whatever happened to that communication with God.  Finally I am starting to figure it out.  I felt abandoned by Him, so I just kind of locked up.  I am terrible with analogies, so I am just going to give it my best shot.  It is kind of like when your computer freezes when you turn it on and all you can see is that little screen sitting there.  You know that if you just wait, in most cases eventually it will start working.  Sometimes you hit the reset button and sometimes you wait.  It depends on your mood.   The thing is, right now I am just not sure what button to push, so rather than continue what I have been doing and just pound away on the keyboard... I have decided to reboot and Pray!   I think that will be the best solution.

As this battle continues, there will be many highs and lows.  I expect many many more in the coming days and weeks.  Speaking of my personal battle, the devil would like nothing more than for me to sign in and post an update discrediting God, but if that were to happen then my battle would immediately end in defeat.  And even in my anger, I can guarantee one thing.  It has never crossed my mind to lash out and trash talk God.  He is the only refuge, if I will only let him be that for me.

As the fight continues, I have one new consolation.  It feels so great to know that we are going to fight cancer and eventually win.  But over the past few months, many people have come up to me and said, "I never prayed until Ethan", or "I never Prayed on my knees until Ethan" or "I never went to Church until Ethan"... you get the idea.  With that thought in mind... this is going to sound really strange, but I have been thinking a lot lately about death and the afterlife.  And I have so many questions for God.  But I think the most pleasant image that keeps coming up in my head is the one of Ethan just hanging out with a bunch of his prayer warrior buddies talking about how much better life is there.  Isn't that a cool thought?

Now for the brutal honesty.  That thought only last a few seconds each day, but it is the few seconds that I am able to escape everything and feel at least some sense of God sent peace.  Because selfishly, I spend almost every other minute just asking the same questions over and over in my head.  So... what next?  Good question... I have no idea.  But I will let you know in the next update.  Talk to you then...  In the meantime, continue to BeLIeVe!

Open For Business  

This update is more of an announcement, and I don't plan to mention this on a regular basis.  But I know that many of you have asked how to contact me for website design services.  So here goes... my former company, Todd Powell Designs is no longer.  Along with my two partners, I am now open for business as CreativeCase.Net.  ;)

Breaking The Silence  

Well... I am back and hopefully for good this time.  My trip up the coast along with a couple unexpected stops, now has my back sitting in the chair ready to type.  Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I have spent much more time reflecting and learning many new things about myself.  I have thought often my flaws and perceived strengths... but more than anything, I have been thinking about God and his expectations for us.  How many times have you sat down and wondered, "God, what in the world did you put me on this earth for?"  You know... when Ethan was diagnosed it all seemed so clear.  I came from a low point in my life a few years earlier where I had no faith, to being able to overcome some pretty difficult obstacles.  All thanks to God, I became fully aware of his power and presence still today.  It became impossible to not BeLIeVe.  He seemed to make himself so clear.  So when it came to the challenge of Ethan, I never for a second BeLIeVed that he would not survive.  And I am not sure that I will ever know the answer, but one thing that I know is that God doesn't owe me anything.  I just need to become better at accepting and trusting.


Nevertheless, now I look back and think... what next?  And to be quite blunt, "I have no idea what is to come."  Over the last couple days, much of my reflection has been on the good and not the bad.  I have tried to find the positives that have come over the last couple of years such as all of the great times with Ethan, completing the half marathon, and witnessing friends taking the step of becoming Christians.   There have been so many wonderful life changing memories to reflect on.  But for the life of me, I cannot get past the few difficult things.  

One of which is Father's Day.  Our first child was to be born on father's day and of course that day never came.  So much to our relief a couple years later, when Ethan was born December 5th a health beautiful child things Father's day became something to be excited about.  With recent events, it has suddenly become an extremely difficult day again.  There is nowhere to go that is safe and of course every commercial, and tv show focuses on the wonderful gift of father's day to spend with your child.  To make things even more awkward, I have so many friends with children that I pretty much tried to just stay away from the phone.  I knew that it would be hard for them to know what to say.  And thankfully, everyone was extremely understanding and very considerate. 

I share all of that to get to the real point of what I have to say.  I did find a couple things that helped me through it. (Other than the fact that the huge underdog Rocko forced a playoff with Tiger Woods... Golf joke... ask someone that watches golf they will explain it to you.) In all seriousness...    a few years back, my friend's mother passed away but before she did, I was fortunate enough to witness an event that will be forever etched into my memory.  At the time, this new found friend and two of my incredible kids from separate youth groups allowed me to share a journey with them 18 hours, to witness this terrified but strong young man tell his mom about what the love of Christ did for him.  Without being too personal or specific, there are really no words to do justice this event, although I will attempt it.  This young son molded the mind of his mother who I feel at the time was completely loaded with uncertainty about God and how He fit in the picture.  But before it was all over, she took the leap of faith and became a Christian.  And I can guarantee you that it was legit.  I do not feel for one second that this woman did it out of a fear for hell.  As a matter of fact, you could see if anything it was because of the changes that she has witnessed in her son.  It truly made her want to be a better person.  It was so inspiring to see a scared but brave young man baptize his mother.  We were all ripped to the core.  A few days later, she passed away.  These three guys and I jumped in to a jeep with no hardtop and listened to the wind fly hard against the top (FLAP FLUGH FLAP!!!) as we pushed the speed limit for 18 hours home.  As loud and crowded as it was, and as broke as were... there was no stopping.  We were going to drive all the way home.  It was something special that I will never forget.  These three young men sang church songs and discussed the experience almost the entire away home.  We had more steam that we had on the ride up, we were simply moved by the power of an awesome God and how he used one young person to make a difference.

That brings me to now.  To be quiet honest and this is really hard to say.  But I have been in denial.  I do not walk with the same confidence as I did before, and I have only myself to blame.  I have continued to point my anger at cancer externally while internally pointing it at cancer and God.  Now I know that I have alluded to this in the past and even somewhat of said it.  But here is the real thing.  When times are good it is easy to be happy with God, and for me when times are tough I still do reasonably ok.  But when God says "NO!", I have just become the example of what not to mimic.  I have many questions for God, and I do feel that he really owes me no explanation.  He is God!  He doesn't owe anybody anything.  But that isn't going to change my anger for now.  So I pray that with time and maturity that I will be able to bounce back and be the man that God wants me to be. 

So I say this with all sincerity.  Today be honest with yourself.  Maybe it won't change you for good but maybe it will open up a door for you.  Today my goal is to start questioning myself more to find out who I really am.  I challenge you to do the same.  My heart is in no state right now to preach and I am not sure if that time will ever come again, but I am hoping in some small way, that the words that are coming from my heart this morning will be something that you need to hear and touch your soul in a way to motivate you to make a difference in your life.  If even one person is affected, then today's update was worth it.  Don't be silent, share your pain with someone else before it eats you up.  And not for me, or for Ethan, or anybody else, but for yourself... BeLIeVe... God Works Through Prayer!!!  A

ps.  If you want to do something for Ethan. lace up those running shoes and get ready to run in the St. Jude Marathon, half marathon, or 5k.  This year it is on his birthday, I am going to need all the help I can get.  We would love to have your support!

Long Time No Speak  

Thank you for allowing me to take a break from updating and for sticking this out with us.  You know, I don't think there has ever been a time in my life that I have been able to take a break from everything and just deal with my thoughts.  This has been a long time coming.  For the past few days, I have been touring up the coast visiting Chicago, New York, and Boston.  Other than getting mugged, stranded in an airport because of tornadoes/flooding, and my luggage disappearing on an airport shuttle... this has been perfect.  I say that in all seriousness.  Dealing with the loss of a child really puts things in perspective.  In spite of the things that have happened here, it truly has been a life changing experience.  


I feel that losing Ethan destroyed me in many ways, and I have been fighting to find the inner strength to push on.  So here I am, a couple of days away from home and a long bus ride.  :)  When I get back, I plan on getting super serious about this website.  The updates will pour out and together we will kick cancer's tush.  Thank you for allowing me the time to clear my head.  It was much needed!  I feel rejuvenated.  There will still be hard days ahead.  I would be naive to think otherwise.  However, I am praying for the healing process to get a real kick start.  Well I have got to run, only have access to the internet for a few minutes.  Thank you for your continued prayers and please please push yourself to BeLIeVe... God Works.  Prayer Works!  

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder :)  

I want to apologize for not updating.  I left town unexpectedly and have not had easy access to the internet.  At this very moment, I am typing from a computer in a MAC store.   :)  One of my favorite places in the world. I think this is just what the doctor ordered.  As for Ethan, I still miss him everyday very much.  Some days are easier than others, but I get so much joy in knowing that he would be proud to see his family and friends fighting so furiously against this disease. 


Word to the wise... start training now and you should be able to easily run in the St. Jude Marathon, Half-Marathon, or 5k. Ok well more to come sorry for no updates and for any typos, I only have access to this computer for a few minutes.

Please pray hard for this fight and remember... PRAYER WORKS!!!

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