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So for this update, here is what I am going to do.  I am just going to lay it out there yet again.  Yes... I still BeLIeVe in God.  I doubt my disappointment will ever fade, but my anger for the time being with the whole situation has begun to subside for the time being.  This truly is a daily battle.  And most days a minute to minute battle.  For instance, I will walk in to Children's Place (no advertisement intended), and start looking at cute clothes for him and it suddenly hits me, my baby is dead... why am I looking at kids' clothes?  Just like that.  And every time it stings.  Now before you get all worked up and say, "Why did he have to say that so harshly?".  Just realize that is the raw truth and saying it a nicer way doesn't make him any less dead, it just makes it easier to lie to myself.  The fact is, Becky nor I will every lay our hands on him again.  All that are left are some ashes and memories.

As for me personally, I have learned that the old methods of just ignoring what hurts will not work anymore.  From a heart standpoint, I am probably the weakest that I have ever been, but I am starting to feel God work his way back into me.  It may only be one partial 30 minutes followed by a rough couple hours, but the fact it... thats a step in the right direction.  It is amazing how I can try to push Him out by burying my head in the pillow and sleeping until I am worthless, but when I wake up he is still there.

So with that said... I am physically still here and God in any sense has never left.  I pray that pattern will continue.  On the bright side, my prayer life is starting to improve.  For the first time since April the 5th, I BeLIeVe that I have prayed almost everyday this week.  (After I typed that, I realized just how odd that was.)  The same guy that prayed at work before starting his day, and yes of course every meal, and almost every night before I went to sleep, and even when things would start to fall apart.  It was always the solution to everything big or small and many many times just a way to say thank you.  Life was so much easier then. Whatever happened to that communication with God.  Finally I am starting to figure it out.  I felt abandoned by Him, so I just kind of locked up.  I am terrible with analogies, so I am just going to give it my best shot.  It is kind of like when your computer freezes when you turn it on and all you can see is that little screen sitting there.  You know that if you just wait, in most cases eventually it will start working.  Sometimes you hit the reset button and sometimes you wait.  It depends on your mood.   The thing is, right now I am just not sure what button to push, so rather than continue what I have been doing and just pound away on the keyboard... I have decided to reboot and Pray!   I think that will be the best solution.

As this battle continues, there will be many highs and lows.  I expect many many more in the coming days and weeks.  Speaking of my personal battle, the devil would like nothing more than for me to sign in and post an update discrediting God, but if that were to happen then my battle would immediately end in defeat.  And even in my anger, I can guarantee one thing.  It has never crossed my mind to lash out and trash talk God.  He is the only refuge, if I will only let him be that for me.

As the fight continues, I have one new consolation.  It feels so great to know that we are going to fight cancer and eventually win.  But over the past few months, many people have come up to me and said, "I never prayed until Ethan", or "I never Prayed on my knees until Ethan" or "I never went to Church until Ethan"... you get the idea.  With that thought in mind... this is going to sound really strange, but I have been thinking a lot lately about death and the afterlife.  And I have so many questions for God.  But I think the most pleasant image that keeps coming up in my head is the one of Ethan just hanging out with a bunch of his prayer warrior buddies talking about how much better life is there.  Isn't that a cool thought?

Now for the brutal honesty.  That thought only last a few seconds each day, but it is the few seconds that I am able to escape everything and feel at least some sense of God sent peace.  Because selfishly, I spend almost every other minute just asking the same questions over and over in my head.  So... what next?  Good question... I have no idea.  But I will let you know in the next update.  Talk to you then...  In the meantime, continue to BeLIeVe!