Well... I am back and hopefully for good this time. My trip up the coast along with a couple unexpected stops, now has my back sitting in the chair ready to type. Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I have spent much more time reflecting and learning many new things about myself. I have thought often my flaws and perceived strengths... but more than anything, I have been thinking about God and his expectations for us. How many times have you sat down and wondered, "God, what in the world did you put me on this earth for?" You know... when Ethan was diagnosed it all seemed so clear. I came from a low point in my life a few years earlier where I had no faith, to being able to overcome some pretty difficult obstacles. All thanks to God, I became fully aware of his power and presence still today. It became impossible to not BeLIeVe. He seemed to make himself so clear. So when it came to the challenge of Ethan, I never for a second BeLIeVed that he would not survive. And I am not sure that I will ever know the answer, but one thing that I know is that God doesn't owe me anything. I just need to become better at accepting and trusting.
Nevertheless, now I look back and think... what next? And to be quite blunt, "I have no idea what is to come." Over the last couple days, much of my reflection has been on the good and not the bad. I have tried to find the positives that have come over the last couple of years such as all of the great times with Ethan, completing the half marathon, and witnessing friends taking the step of becoming Christians. There have been so many wonderful life changing memories to reflect on. But for the life of me, I cannot get past the few difficult things.
One of which is Father's Day. Our first child was to be born on father's day and of course that day never came. So much to our relief a couple years later, when Ethan was born December 5th a health beautiful child things Father's day became something to be excited about. With recent events, it has suddenly become an extremely difficult day again. There is nowhere to go that is safe and of course every commercial, and tv show focuses on the wonderful gift of father's day to spend with your child. To make things even more awkward, I have so many friends with children that I pretty much tried to just stay away from the phone. I knew that it would be hard for them to know what to say. And thankfully, everyone was extremely understanding and very considerate.
I share all of that to get to the real point of what I have to say. I did find a couple things that helped me through it. (Other than the fact that the huge underdog Rocko forced a playoff with Tiger Woods... Golf joke... ask someone that watches golf they will explain it to you.) In all seriousness... a few years back, my friend's mother passed away but before she did, I was fortunate enough to witness an event that will be forever etched into my memory. At the time, this new found friend and two of my incredible kids from separate youth groups allowed me to share a journey with them 18 hours, to witness this terrified but strong young man tell his mom about what the love of Christ did for him. Without being too personal or specific, there are really no words to do justice this event, although I will attempt it. This young son molded the mind of his mother who I feel at the time was completely loaded with uncertainty about God and how He fit in the picture. But before it was all over, she took the leap of faith and became a Christian. And I can guarantee you that it was legit. I do not feel for one second that this woman did it out of a fear for hell. As a matter of fact, you could see if anything it was because of the changes that she has witnessed in her son. It truly made her want to be a better person. It was so inspiring to see a scared but brave young man baptize his mother. We were all ripped to the core. A few days later, she passed away. These three guys and I jumped in to a jeep with no hardtop and listened to the wind fly hard against the top (FLAP FLUGH FLAP!!!) as we pushed the speed limit for 18 hours home. As loud and crowded as it was, and as broke as were... there was no stopping. We were going to drive all the way home. It was something special that I will never forget. These three young men sang church songs and discussed the experience almost the entire away home. We had more steam that we had on the ride up, we were simply moved by the power of an awesome God and how he used one young person to make a difference.
That brings me to now. To be quiet honest and this is really hard to say. But I have been in denial. I do not walk with the same confidence as I did before, and I have only myself to blame. I have continued to point my anger at cancer externally while internally pointing it at cancer and God. Now I know that I have alluded to this in the past and even somewhat of said it. But here is the real thing. When times are good it is easy to be happy with God, and for me when times are tough I still do reasonably ok. But when God says "NO!", I have just become the example of what not to mimic. I have many questions for God, and I do feel that he really owes me no explanation. He is God! He doesn't owe anybody anything. But that isn't going to change my anger for now. So I pray that with time and maturity that I will be able to bounce back and be the man that God wants me to be.
So I say this with all sincerity. Today be honest with yourself. Maybe it won't change you for good but maybe it will open up a door for you. Today my goal is to start questioning myself more to find out who I really am. I challenge you to do the same. My heart is in no state right now to preach and I am not sure if that time will ever come again, but I am hoping in some small way, that the words that are coming from my heart this morning will be something that you need to hear and touch your soul in a way to motivate you to make a difference in your life. If even one person is affected, then today's update was worth it. Don't be silent, share your pain with someone else before it eats you up. And not for me, or for Ethan, or anybody else, but for yourself... BeLIeVe... God Works Through Prayer!!! A
ps. If you want to do something for Ethan. lace up those running shoes and get ready to run in the St. Jude Marathon, half marathon, or 5k. This year it is on his birthday, I am going to need all the help I can get. We would love to have your support!