Today has been long overdue. I have spent the last few months trying to figure out my place in this world. Now curious of how I could possibly recover and be the man that God wants me to be, while pushing my feelings in front of his guidance. I have allowed my frustration and anger towards Him to build into something unhealthy and very much not Christ-like. In my heart I have been stained to my deepest core. I have crossed the threshold of a church building only a few times since Ethan's passing. Partially because I am much weaker than I present myself to be but mostly because I am afraid of public breakdowns. Not a day goes by that I do not cry at home, reliving the fact that I will never see his precious face again. Wanting oh so badly to hear him say "Dada" just once. I know it must be hard to know what to say to someone who has lost as I child. Even given my current situation, I still don't know what to say. So if you do in fact run into me, the best thing to say is something along the lines of "love ya!" As of recent weeks, it feels like I am in the process of some sort of recovery. I think more than anything that I have been just waiting for God to kick me in the rear and say "get right or get left behind"!
Much earlier in my life, I went through a phase like this that nearly left me on my death bed. Although part of me would be ok with that right now, the other part of me feels that there would be no place for me in heaven next to my little boy with the current condition of my heart. So with that said, I am doing everything in my power to start over.
For many months now I have laid in bed in sheer misery, hiding from the world. I had no idea how to deal with the pain. Since I have watched many other families lose children and on the surface appear to be doing much better than me. It has been very humbling! So with that said... I would like to ask for three special requests. Two are prayer requests. Please pray for peace for both me and for Becky. I know for us both, every day is difficult to wake up without Ethan. And for me specifically, please pray that God's grace will cover my anger so that I can be me again.
As for Ethan, I would ask that you continue to fight against Childhood Cancer. It is definitely one of the least funded and underestimated cancers that currently exist. Rather than giving to the Ethan Powell Foundation, I would prefer that you donate directly to St. Jude in honor of Ethan. Even if it is just a $1. It adds up over time. If we had $5 for every person that visited the website in the last 2 years we would have over $29,000,000. Imagine that! If we all just gave one "Happy Meal" or "Taco Bell Run" a month we could raise $145,000,000 a year. Please consider it and pass the message on to your friends. Although I have hardly prayed since April 5th, I have begun to pray again with a refined hope that Childhood Cancer will be defeated. It motivates me to go to God often.
I know that this has been a long road for us (Ethan's family), and we never could imagine the journey without you. And we WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR YOUR UN-WAIVERING SUPPORT! For now, my portion of the journey ends.
I am beginning again with a blank slate. As of 1 month ago I started a new job. As of 3 weeks ago, a new diet and have already lost 16lbs. And yes I am admitting this publicly, I have struggled with smoking as of recent months and went cold turkey 6 days ago with a co-worker. I know that some will feel let down, others will judge me, and even some will gossip. But frankly that is between them and God. So don't feel like you have to stand up for me. To all those wonderful supporters of "the weak and broken", I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
As for the updates.... I will be doing personal updates on another web journal for at least awhile in an attempt to collect my thoughts. If you find it (or even care to), then congrats. But I will not be publicly announcing the address, because I wouldn't want to seem "attention seeking". This site has and always will be a place for Ethan's memory to live in and change lives. At some point, this page will change to a place where you can make donations directly to St. Jude.
I hope that this journey has made you a better person in some way. To be quiet honest, for me it has not. But I have hopes that one day, I can say that I am indeed a better individual because of these experiences. A child of God that he can be proud of. Although I have not abandoned my old favorite verse, I am leaning on a new verse these days and watching and waiting on God to come to the rescue.
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.