I never imagined by age 31 that I would be where I am today. It never even crossed my mind that I would be able to recite forty plus cliche statements from memory that refer to death without ever actually saying the word death, die, or any close variation. It's like if we don't refer to it that way, then it never happened and one day we will wake up and this is all just a bad dream.
Many of you have been reading these blogs from day one and BelieVe that you have a picture of who I really am. So I felt it was time to just take one update and explain myself so that you will understand as you continue to read the updates (if you do in fact decide to continue reading).
So here goes... Born into a family as an only child, but with many other foster children from broken homes and foreign countries living with us, there has never been any real stability when it comes to scenery. My parents are both educators that have diligently served their community educating and caring for children of many diverse backgrounds. As for my remaining family, all of my grandparents live near the Louisiana/Arkansas line, with the exception of my much granddaddy Alvin Powell.
He is hanging out with Ethan. And my cousins are for the most part spread out all over the country. For most of my life, I have been very outgoing and loves to make new friends. One of my many flaws has been that I have never really let anyone too close, including my family. I have my own reasons for that, but those will remain private.
So back to the story... During a period of about 6 years (prior to 2001), I was caught up in a lifestyle that was not appropriate for a Christian. I never BeLIeVed 100% in God, I was more afraid that there was and that I would end up in hell. One June 22nd, 2001 my life was changed by a moment of what seemed to be divine intervention. I battled with God and lost. I could not give up my habits, but began to pray for help and God won the battle. I began to BeLIeVe in the power of His healing touch as I had seen it operate in my life personally. For once, I felt that I really didn't need anyone to approve or agree with me as long as God had my back. After struggling to reconcile relationships with friends and such, I began to distance myself from anyone that stressed me out. I learned to maneuver my lifestyle in a way that I could avoid anything that caused me any sadness. Frankly I was tired of dealing with people. And for someone that wanted to do Public Relations all through college, that is a real deal breaker.
But let's skip ahead... On December 5th, 2006 it was truly the happiest day of my life. I witnessed the perfection of a child entering this earth. But not just any child... Ethan. Moments later I pulled out the camcorder and followed him as they took him from room to room to do whatever it is they do. All along I just thought, do not leave his side until he is marked with that little tag and I know that he is secure. From that point, until he is old enough, never a day will go by that he will be out of our sight. He will be safe. I remember talking to the camcorder through tears as I followed him around, telling him that truly there had never been a brighter moment in my life. The first time that I held him, I was so scared. I didn't want to hold him the wrong way or expose his tiny body to the chilly room, but I oh so badly wanted to look and see his eyes, ears, nose and all of the characteristics that defined his appearance.
Like a flash of lightning, suddenly everything changed.
It was February 6th, 2007 and I was at work. Becky was on her way to the doctors office for the routine 8 week check-up for Ethan. And I was right behind her on my way from the office. It was just like any other day. We were both tired and had not yet become used to the sleepless nights from a baby crying. Hours later, we would be told that Ethan might not make it through the next 72 hours and possibly even the next 24 hours. In a matter of seconds and a few words, we never that our lives would be changed forever.
We replaced our nice new cushy couch and bed with stiff hospital recliners and couches. Now I don't say this for pity, I just want to paint the picture. In addition, Ethan's website that had no more than 200-250 visitors when it opened to display his baby pictures was now up into the thousands. People from all over the country poured into the hospital just to encourage us. (At that point we did not understand that meeting visitors was not a good idea because of the chances of infection.) Given the amount of visitors that we had during the first couple weeks, I am sure that I will never remember all of the names or faces of everyone that was so generous. The outpouring of love was amazing and very well appreciated. For me, I don't BeLIeVe that I have ever seen God's hand be so firmly extended through the hands of others as I did at that point. He sent out his workers to tend to the field, and there we were just getting love and prayers from every kind stranger with a vehicle, a love for children, and an internet connection. It was an amazing feeling. It felt as if God was there all the time. People would come in and say, I came here to cheer you guys up but you cheered me up. But the thing is, it was easy. God brought comfort through all of you to us.
Somehow in all of this, many have got this process confused and have seen us as the pillar of strength rather than God. In spite of warnings in the updates, the bar was set high. We were suddenly granted the privilege (and burden) to be role models for children and teachers to the lost. And that of course has been to a whopping 5 million people that have become a part of our daily lives. And with every high and low you were there watching and waiting for just one more update, so that you would know what to pray for.
Suddenly our MySpace pages and Facebook pages no longer became a place for us to share with ten or twenty of our closest friends, but a place to share more about Ethan with the world. He was and always will mean so much to us both. But you already know that... so I will keep going.
With all this, I want to tie it all together by saying this and I say it with dedication because I know it to be true. When God delivered me the first time from my life of failure on July 22nd, 2001, he knew exactly what to do but it never was easy for me. But I feel in my heart that it was the only way that it would have worked. Although the pain then pailed in comparison to this, I was completely lost and hopeless and in need of God. I find myself at a point now where I am wondering "what next?" I am tired of waking up every morning and remembering that Ethan is in fact gone from this earth. I try to think of all the things that people say like "he is in Heaven" but honestly it doesn't make the tears stop. Just thinking back, I can't remember one occasion that I could stop and say, "thank you for God taking him away from me." Let me give you an exercise just to show you what I mean and don't take this wrong, just try it so that you see what I mean. Say "God, please take me child from this earth to be with you in Heaven." For some of you that may be possible, but for me it is not.
So you might ask, "How do you still BeLIeVe in God?" Now I know that I have addressed it before, but I think that it needs to be said. I do in fact still BeLIeVe. But to be quote blunt, I am extremely angry at God and I am hurting. I can no longer put up the facade of "I am doing just fine." Some days are in fact better that others, but I am just running on empty. There will be many days that I will start working on something cool for Ethan's site and a few minutes later sit here in this chair wiping my eyes and begging God for answers. I try to redirect that anger to cancer but it only lasts so long. When trying to pray it feels like a handshake between two distant strangers. And how is is that the one thing that used to keep me so connected with God has suddenly become my biggest weakness. My best guess is... no one wins a battle with God and I am getting in the way. Of course he could move me out of the way, but I just don't BeLIeVe that He works that way.
So let's recap... I am human and BeLIeVe but struggling with anger with God. Now slide in the fact that there are so many people that love and want to help but don't really know what to say. Either way, the phone rings and I never answer. Just ask anyone that tries to call. Nothing personal, I just don't feel like talking to anyone. Tonight I sat down to read this book on dealing with the loss of a child and it was as if every page was pulled out of my heart. The lady that writes it explains in great detail and very directly much of what happens to parents, grandparents, and siblings with the loss of a child. And it couldn't be anymore true.
For any ministry leader out there, interested reader, or support group that is looking for a small but good book to help them become more aware of how to communicate with the parents of someone that has lost a child; this is a great book to read and can be found on amazon.com for 1 cent (one penny) used plus shipping. It is called
The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff.
Sorry about that quick interruption, my attention deficit kicked in. I am all over the place tonight, but I really wanted to share the name of that book and here is why.
This afternoon I fell asleep around 3pm with some sort of virus. I was thinking about Ethan and all of the cute things that he did. It was nothing depressing, just happy thoughts. I woke up (if you get grossed out easily, you might not want to read this part) then vomited then fell back asleep. And everything was going so well for a few hours during the day. But just like that I was emotionally and physically drained. Around 10pm, I woke up to a ton of new text messages and voice mails. A couple were important, but nothing needing immediate attention. But the thing that I have found is that if I text/talk to 30 people in a day (on a slow day), I spend at least 2 to 3 waking hours on the cell phone rather than getting things done. And on top of this, at least one of those people has problems that they are wanting to share with me. I think that is mostly because I hide that I am hurting so people assume that I am over it, so many feel that it is ok to move ahead and just talk to me about their daily problems of life. And don't get me wrong, we all go through things and just because someone hasn't lost a child, it doesn't meant that their pain is not real.
But what I am getting at is this. There are so many people that we come in contact with on a daily basis are already at a point of cracking whether it be for financial reasons, marital issues, or many other things. But many people like me, want to appear that they have everything in order. For me personally, I am extremely sensitive right now and find it difficult to hold routine conversations about Ethan or other things that to most reasonable people would be considered rude to ask such as "Are you suicidal?" I know that it is done of out love, but to me it is like when you tell a child not to do something, it suddenly becomes something that sticks in their head. But to go ahead and answer the question, "No, I am not suicidal." Have I wished at times that I was already dead and wandered if it would be easier... with reluctance I answer... "Yes." But please note the difference. The fact is, I need God more than anything right now and generally it is just me getting in the way.
Even with my good intentions, imagine having a few hundred people trying to answer questions for you about the loss of a child that only God can answer. Or tell me how to deal with things the right way. The more answers that people provide, the more that I get confused. The picture of strength that some of you may see, go ahead and erase that and replace it with the picture of a man that is broken, confused, and waiting on peace.
I do plan to continue this fight with all that I have, and to do that I may just have to flat out stop answering my personal phone calls, texts, and emails altogether. I plan on devoting much of my time to Ethan's website, Ethan's Foundation, and my website design business.
There is one commitment that I feel is realistic. If I can in fact get away from the phone, I will get the old Ethan updates up as well as a few more of the older photos in high quality up and available for download, and some cool new polls. And the updates will become more frequent and detailed.
I close today's update by saying this. Since prayer has become such a challenge, I am going to make my request simple and mean every word every time I say it. Somewhere in there, I am hoping that this will re-spark my prayer life yet again. So here goes...
"God. Although I will never be worthy of your blessings, I ask you to be my strength as I am often weak and help me to overcome any fear or doubt. I pray that where some may see a wall, you will uncover an open door! Please help this pain to be be replaced with peace. In the name of the only one that saves. Amen"
BeLIeVe... PRAYER WORKS!!!
